Don't pretend you aren't angry or intimidated — that won't help and it will surely come out sideways. Instead, ask yourself why you feel angry or intimidated.

Jul 24, 2012

Harvard Business Review
by Peter Bregman
July 23, 2012





A man and two children, a boy about nine and a girl about seven, were walking ahead of me in silence. The boy looked up and said something to his father. Whatever he said set off his father who started yelling at the boy. I could see the boy's pain as his father's words hit him. It was heartbreaking.

What happened next took me by surprise, but shouldn't have: As soon as his father stopped yelling at him, the boy turned to his little sister and hit her.

As I thought about that boy, I realized how often I — and so many people I know — do a version of the same thing. We say or do something to someone when, really, it's meant for someone else.

Sometimes it's as obvious as it was with the boy. Perhaps you know a manager who, after being yelled at by his boss, turns around and yells at his employees.

But often it's far more subtle. After seeing that boy hit his sister, I began to watch myself more closely. What do I direct at one person that's meant for another?

It's hard to see that kind of behavior in yourself. At first, I didn't notice anything. But I kept looking. I even spent a couple of days trying to talk less, just noticing my urge to talk and then examining where the urge came from. Was I speaking to the right person?

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